POST 5: WORKING ON RECONNECTION

How do partners re-connect?

In order to find out how to become emotionally closer as a couple, both of you have to start at the beginning. To find out where things started to go wrong, time is needed to talk.

Obviously, working on re-connection can only be done when the cheaters have done their work and when there are no more secrets the cheater is hiding from their partner. Unfortunately, the stage of healing that involves openness and honesty on the part of the cheater, can take a long time. I hope that those who have betrayed their partner and who are reading this post on re-connection, realize that there is no point in spending energy on re-connection when the basic work has not been done or when the cheater has cut corners. There is NO SHORT CUT when it come to doing the work.

For Re-connection when all the S&^% has been cleared out: 

  1. Set time aside when both of you can be fully engaged.
  2. Make sure there are no interruptions.
  3. Have something to write on next to you.
  4. Have the conversation when you are both calm and relaxed.

Where to start?

  1. Talk to each other about the time you felt that the relationship was good.
  2. Talk to each other (taking turns) about when you both perceived a disconnect.
  3. What were the contributing factors?
  4. What are your best memories about the time when you were close?
  5. What did you appreciate the most in each other?
  6. What do you miss the most now?
  7. Are you ready to make some plans to re-introduce couple time (make a list of things you both like to do together).

The above might be enough as a start. Following a first discussion, it might be nice to do something else. Something that helps you to connect in a different way. You might share what you read in a book or newspaper and what you think the other person is interested in. You might consider a walk, or a visit to a place where you can have a drink and a bite to eat. Watching a movie together and stop it at times, to share something you find interesting can also be a way to still be connected while not doing something directly together. Other couples might like to make a meal together. If the children are around, you might enjoy some family time.

When there is a lack of emotional connection, the quality and often also the quantity of the physical intimacy is affected. When you are ready to work on physical intimacy, search for good websites on “Sensate Focus”. It boils down to starting all over again by exploring what your partner likes. It involves touching and gentle massage. The first stages do not involve penetration or orgasm, as the focus is purely on using touch to reconnect on both an emotional and a physical level.

A willingness to really work together is crucial. Be very honest to each other. This can be hard. Some people feel they have to re-connect, but deep inside, they do not want it. This is painful for both of you but it needs to be discussed. Remember that being honest and open can lead to a better connection, but if you keep things hidden, you might do more harm as you give your partner the impression that you want to save the relationship while actually, you are not. You might want to have some individual sessions with a therapist to find out what is happening. Too often people blame disconnect on a less than satisfying marriage but there might be so many other factors contributing to your unhappiness or “lack of peace”.

IT IS NOT YOU, IT IS ME OR RATHER I HATE MY JOB!

I have helped couples by working with them together and finding out that one of them is very dissatisfied in their career. This is GOOD NEWS, as this can  change. No one needs to remain stuck in a job that is boring, or too demanding or just not demanding enough. You might search the Net for options, talk to your manager or supervisor or you might want to seek a career counselor who does some assessments with you. I tell you it is worth the money and effort!

Some people feel disrespected at WORK! This directly affects your relationship at home. It is not your marriage, but your work that contributes to the lack of satisfaction in your life. In this case talk to colleagues and take it further. Bullying at work is no longer acceptable. It is common….but it is not healthy and it makes people mentally sick.

If you would divorce your partner, and made no other changes, you would end up exactly where you are now with a new partner. Believe me…Many people have told me that. They have regrets and you can learn from their mistakes…..Having regrets at the end of your life is not the way to go out!

 

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