POST 10: WHY THEY DO IT!

Why Do People Have Affairs?

There are many reasons, and I would like you to look back at my posts on vulnerable marriages and disconnection. Marriages that are not good, as couples do not communicate, partners show a lack of respect etc., ….are doomed…..Leaving would be honest as betrayal will always be dirty and a dissatisfied marriage is not an excuse to use that level of sabotage.

Some use an affair as an “exit strategy”. Some use an affair as showing the other that they are not satisfied…in any way. Women tend to do that. They also want to feel wanted and admired, but that is more often not what they  get out of it…Affairs are dirty and people hate cheaters…Most people want good people around them. These are role models, those they can admire and respect! Women who sleep around are called sluts. But many of them are not directly after sex, they were after a connection. Men are called men whores or simply assholes. May of them were after sex and many ended up with a bad lay. The stats show that men who sleep around a lot, state that they are not satisfied in their sex life!  So, if you are a woman who has sex with these men, you very likely are not satisfied either…and you are not even remembered (you are bad in bed !)… “what a wonderful world you live in”!

My favorite movie has always been “Moonstruck”

In MOONSTRUCK,  Rose (Olympia Dukakis) asks Johnny “why would man need more than one woman”, and he answers “I don’t know maybe because he fears death”. Rose states” That’s it! “That is the reason”.

…and there it is: “Men who have an affair feel “alive” during the time…I hate that statement, as them feeling “alive” is at a cost of a marriage and the respect for their wives…(so selfish). As if women do not want to feel alive!

But OK…they [the men] obviously cannot help it. Most have a selfish streak. They feel there is something missing (“the rib God took from Adam?”)….for a while life is full and when it is not…they miss that rib, so they take the opportunity offered to them. It all comes together at just the right moment. Man hits middle age…Predator knows….and…”it” provides the thrill he was missing….he provides her with what she wants  $$$, and he is thrilled and feels alive by the ANTICIPATION to do something exciting….

Here is the catch….it is like Christmas, the fun before is better than at the time when the presents are all unwrapped…the predator is a taker and not a giver and sex is bad…but the anticipation of sex…was “OMG, I am actually going to do this”! Too bad there is just crap in the package.

The pain afterwards is 100 times or more, than the “anticipated” thrill of the act….

So sad….

So, after all this…go back to healing and to re-connecting. If you feel devastated by what you are about to lose, your marriage, the respect of your kids, than…do the work and do it together. If you were the one who was the ultimate deal-breaker…NEVER blame your spouse, keep on making it up and working hard and showing love and regret…until your spouse is ready to learn to trust again.

Rose: “I just want you to know no matter what you do, you’re gonna die, just like everybody”

Cosmo:”Thank you, Rose”

 

 THE MOST PAINFUL QUESTIONS AND ANSWERS

Introduction: This is for couples who actually had a respectful relationship, or at least both always thought so and proclaimed as such to each other…

We know how affairs start in this group: it is not at the beginning of the marriage. The couple has been married for quite some time. They have children, they are busy, they have chores. The marriage is not bad at all. Physical intimacy might have dropped some as both have been too tired to put a lot of effort in it. There is this one component I missed before but it needs to be here: The one who steps into the dirty relationship is SELFISH!!!!! Very likely, the one who is likely to betray their partner has been self-centered their entire marriage. The partner has accepted this. There would have been good times, but mostly when the partner does what the self-centered spouse wants….

Then there is the OPPORTUNITY:

The timing is right as the married person just feels a bit low about themselves: less appreciation at work…and THERE is the “light” the person who is full of awe for all you do! It is very likely that the “third person” needs you a lot for relatively minor things, but you are OK with it as you feel flattered and needed (all under work time of course, when else?). As the third person has done this before (many times as it is their bread and butter and Gucci), they know exactly how to move you from being dissatisfied to way more dissatisfied and negative about work, life and all that drives around on the street. The dirt rubs off on you! This provides a perfect (but twisted) rationalization of the development from a flirty and “emotional” affair to a dirty affair and it turns you away from your family (the predators makes sure of that). And here the self-centered spouse turns into a selfish spouse and into a corrupt spouse!

THE LYING

As you read above, when both are “corrupt” it is easy to be together as it is two peas in a pot. It alienates the formerly better person to a world of lying and justifications. In order to keep the thrill alive the actions become more bold. The married person blocks the family out of their mind (and the third person is an active ingredient in this process) , some guilt feelings are easily wiped away with thoughts on what a boring person they were and how much “alive” they feel today. “I felt like a teenager all over” (the man is hitting 50). Do you see the selfishness, i.e. the lack of consideration for the betrayed spouse and children? Fights with the home front are started to justify more alienation. The spouse at home feels horrible and soon they will know or at least expect what is going on, but not before the betrayed spouse withdraws from the relationship as all interactions make them feel bad about themselves.

Things get very ugly, as you will remember from post 4, the predator will not let someone go who has a lot to offer. They will do everything to intrude on the family during weekends and holidays. Of course…the jealousy is there and they want to destroy the marriage. So, you get this very dirty and cruel situations in which a cheater tries to keep the third person happy and the “home front” in the unknown. He does that to (1) keep the third person interested as he is not ready to give it up. He also does that as (2) he is scared that the third person feels neglected and he is going to hear it! Often those gold diggers could be classified as bullies. They talk well (i.e. they talk a lot of rubbish) and are superficial, but as they play it well, they know how to play the “stupid” target and (3) are intimidating. As often affairs start at work and mostly between superiors and subordinates, the man in this case is (4) also afraid for a scene at work.

So, how can a good person become so cruel and bad? The answer has puzzled me for a long time…but I know what it is…they are totally corrupt which means “having or showing a willingness to act dishonestly in return for personal gain”. Being with the spouse is difficult but being with another corrupt person who “makes them feel good about themselves”, is the answer to the problem. “I felt comfortable with her or him, or I could be totally myself with that person “….Yeah yeah…they played it well and you fell for it!

The formerly decent, but self-centered spouse becomes a complete unethical and corrupt idiot. This process is enthusiastically encouraged by the predator who does not want to talk about the (betrayed) spouse. This predator will do everything to avert the cheater from “going there” (the place where guilt feelings lay under cover). But, as the manipulator they are, they will “talk with you” on “how bad it is what you both are doing”, and they love the drama queen aspect of so-called breaking it up, followed by crying and “I can’t help myself”, false talks. Let me tell you one thing: NO RELATIONSHIP THAT IS BORN OUT OF THIS TYPE OF BETRAYAL WILL EVER BE SUCCESSFUL. Stats indeed confirm that most of these relationships already collapse very early on.

But as you see: There is no trace left of the person with good work ethics, respect for others and in particular for partner and kids. To survive this phase of corruption…they close themselves off: it is called INDIFFERENCE and the family knows. Indifference is the opposite of love and it is way worse than hatred, it means feeling nothing. The betrayed spouse feels horrible about themselves and the kids prefer to avoid home.

As you saw in the post on CHEATERS, they do not confess they get caught….and all crap comes out. It takes the betrayed spouse years to figure out how and what and why. The cheater…wants to forget and often does not remember (yes true, they do not), they sometimes say that they wake up from a bad dream, and quite a few of them cannot believe what an asshole they have become.

Too bad the harm is done and healing is a long road. Too bad too that they are often unwilling to try to analyze the unfortunate series of events to help insight to occur. What the reformed cheater wants to do is to become a better person and they often do a lot for the spouse and family as they know that they are close to losing it all!  They do not want to go over dirty details and they want to leave it all behind them. They often have not told some of the most hurtful parts as they are afraid for the harm it does to their spouse, not realizing that NOT telling them is worse and affects trust in a very negative manner, because a betrayed spouse is suspicious and keeps on digging and the shit really hits the fan when they find more after they have been told  continuously that there is no more!

Many spouses however NEED that clarity to heal….and you as the cheater have to work with them as that is part of your penance and a guarantee that you will not do this every again. It helps to build trust. The cheater has to do a lot of work…but here again…unfortunately I see the betrayed spouse often doing most of the work…and that SUCKS! What a cheater could do is ask, what they need to do to make things better….and do it!

By the way…it is up to the betrayed spouse if they want you in the family home. They have the full right to throw you out. You broke your vows after you have been already a self-centered person in the relationship. I do not believe that one makes a “mistake” in a weak moment…the personality is already present…the behavior accepted…it just goes one step further down the hole.

2 thoughts on “POST 10: WHY THEY DO IT!

  1. THIS is what I most struggle with. Husband cut off all contact, has been working hard over the last year to restore trust, and all that he sees lacking. Trying to invest more in the family and allow me to invest more in myself. He recently came to me saying he now understood love to be not just a feeling but choices actions that are loving- and which produce a feeling. What frustrates me is his insistence in the AP’s innocence and goodness. That she is a good person who never wanted to hurt his marriage when everything I see evidences the opposite. She knowingly encouraged him. Enticed him- asking if he didn’t want to see what could develop if they further explored the physical aspect. Trying to involve him in dramas in which she needed “rescuing”- creating issues and manipulating situations- simple as honestly cheering her on and taking photos at an event just prior to the EA crossing over to a PA was twisted into me trying to “make fun of and humiliate her”…and he sided with her- creating a huge fight. Telling him they could live together, no strings, and have our kids on the weekend, he didn’t need a wife to have a family or be a good dad. After cutting off contact, and blocking his cell and all social media 10 months later she was still trying to contact him, including half dressed photos. Attempts to talk to our children. Creates a scene in events we all participate in, in which she throws herself. Me, specifically asking her to step back and not be part of destroying a family-whereupon she sent me an e-mail detailing why she deserved him and I did not. He is able to see how damaged she is- how desperately she uses her appearance to get attention- how far she will go to get it, the stupid situations she puts herself into to get it…realizes that where he thought others looked up to him for being around her- that these same people, after she walks away talk about how crazy she is, and how she would not be worth the trouble she would bring…Does he truly not get the manipulation- the reading into how she dug for details about what he needed, wanted and accommodated? Empathizing with his belief that I was only using him for the white picket fence dream & husband clone- when all I actually wanted was the real him- Didn’t see how he pulled her into every aspect of our lives, claiming that she simply had exactly all the same interests he did- and couldn’t pursue them with her dull, boring fiancé- all the while systematically removing me? Doesn’t find it strange that she purchased exact copies of cars, dogs, athletic equipment down to every detail to match his? It concerns me that 15 months out- there is still this self deception at work in exactly what the affair was. He doesn’t see it as a fantasy relationship. Swears she would have been happy with no strings attached- with full acceptance of him. He repeatedly has said that planning couple time for activities with just us would be “fake”…as we should be able to be happy as a couple in our relationship with 3 kids in tow…yet living together during the week, but being a weekend dad…wouldn’t be fake? He also seems to believe that things should “just happen”…that if I was the “right person”, I should have been able to fill and anticipate his needs…when in reality I was completely unaware of his unhappiness with a marriage he called “miserable”…due to boredom- feeling his family held him back from an alternate life of adventure and accomplishment. Trying to show him that like all the other things he is successful at, the life we want must be planned- and built. That these two lives don’t need to be independent of each other. He is fearful I will never look at him the same, doesn’t want to discuss these difficult points- though has been painfully honest in answering questions- and seems to be afraid to allow himself to believe in a successful future. I too, feel if he continues to see her in this light- I guess to maintain the “specialness of the bond they had” in his mind- which would justify his wrong choices in his head- he will never arrive at the understanding of what drove him to throw away his integrity. He states he felt the marriage wasn’t worth saving at the time so didn’t care, he was indifferent- yet then why lie and cover to maintain both relationships if that was the case…These are points I need to understand to move forward confidently.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Hi Ruby,
    I am relieved to hear from you that the husband cut off all contact and that he is re-investing in your relationship and your children. I know 15 months is quite some time and you would think it would be sufficient for him to see through the motivation of the OW and her manipulation to get what she wanted. She went far, not willing to lose (from you). That is how she sees it. A true predator but indeed also a damaged woman with no pride (it can go together)!
    For your husband to admit and acknowledge that he was manipulated and fell for it means to admit that he did not see through the games the OW played. It is not just time that is needed for him to get it, but also what he does with the time. You might like to show him some postings of other betrayed women who so clearly write how they saw it (the manipulation and the cruelty of it) before their husband did. I know of men who took more than a year to come to terms with what this relationship really was.
    To tell him (too often), might do the opposite from what you want (him to understand it). He might need to see some “evidence”, eg. articles on the topic of the strategies used by third persons OW or OM (Other Men) to get what they want. It is painful, but also very educative. This group of people have a lot in common in how they think and how they operate. They only differ in the level of confidence and “intelligence” (the street-smart type).
    Take care and thank you for commenting,
    Elisabeth

    Liked by 2 people

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