Under the heading “Fairy Tale Romance Gets Reality Check”, Lori Brotto, who calls herself a researcher and therapist states that “people seek extra-marital affairs not to find another, but to find themselves” (Globe and Mail, December 14th, L4).
To be honest, the (very small article) also containes some spot-on comments, but IMHO, Lorri misses the point with the comment quoted above.
There are many reasons why people seek affairs or find themselves entangled in the messiness of one. To find oneself, is I think the last reason why someone gets into this web of lies and deception.
If someone really wants to find themselves, they need to CHALLENGE themselves and with that I mean, intellectually and physically (in this case endurance such as climbing a mountain, running up and down the stairs, skating with your kids, vacuum the entire house…). Going to museums, learning a new language, or studying ethics at university!
As most will tell, the physical or sexual aspects of an affair are most often not very challenging. Often, “cheaters” report that “in the end it was not worth it, or even that it was a bad lay”. In hindsight, people report that it was the “anticipation” (see POST 10, WHY THEY DO IT) of great sex, but it hardly happened. Many reasons can be mentioned: Often people have had too much alcohol. Secondly, the people who have sex with a married person are either after a one-nighter (booty call) or after money and power (PREDATORS, see POST 4). None, of these are after some “crazy, mind blowing sex”. Mind-blowing sex does not happen with a “stranger” and does not happen with a greedy money hungry person. Thirdly, mind-blowing sex means taking risks and you cannot do that with a “stranger” as there is no such thing as safe sex (only safer sex). Oral sex, touching anal parts and sex without any physical barrier is sooner or later going to give you an STI!
Mind-blowing sex happens with a person you can trust. It is a person you know well and truly. It is a person you can be totally yourself with. It is someone who does not mind when you fart during sex, or when you are not feeling that well and appear a bit nauseas when providing oral sex. It is someone who does not mind that you lose your erection, or that orgasm did not come :).
It is someone who fully understands when you get the giggles, when your child interrupts during coitus, or when the cat jumps on the bed.
Affairs are not real life. A person you have planned sex with is washed and smells good. Has no farting problem, or excuses themselves to not fart in the presence of the other….No wonder affairs can be a break from real life! A greedy person after your money is going to be a “real angel” during your fancy dinner…
Spending the entire night with the “booty call” is often not wanted: It is done and out! Spending a night with the “affair” might be perceived by the “cheater” as a must ” an appreciation” based on false loyalty, or based on necessity as the third person has no room booked for themselves…
MORNING BREATH! …Only Shrek and Fiona think it is wonderful!
“jokes aside, sour or not”, the above explains the anger and resentment of your real-life partner, who you kept in the dark: You took a break from real life…from the kids, the bills, the garden, the shopping, the cooking (and kitchen smells) and the cleaning….and your partner who you betrayed is going to hate you for what you did for a very long time.
The most interesting part however, is that when the cheaters lose real life….and partner and children are no longer part of their reality…the loneliness creeps in. HEY…THIS IS WHERE YOU FIND YOURSELF! Maybe Lori got it right, just not for the same reasons…..
Too bad for you who had the affair and the bad sex but hopefully not an STI or another baby on the way…
Maybe your spouse will reconsider and when you do THE WORK you might be able to heal together. When the healing is done, you will experience mind-blowing sex with someone you can be totally yourself with.
Wow: it can be combined: challenging yourself and great sex with your spouse!