POST: 14 ANGER @#$%!

Star Wars became even more popular than it already was, not only due to the start of yet another trilogy but also due to the promotion of our dear friends of the Big Bang.

A lot has been written about Star wars and its characters. Some French psychologists even went that far to diagnose Darth Vader with “Bipolar Personality Disorder”. They later on defended themselves with the statement that during training, it makes sense to have a “proto typical” example that is known to many, to make identifying of symptoms easier.

I am not sure if I agree with diagnosing Anakin Skywalker, but indeed some core attributes and issues could be identified already in the second trilogy and definitely in the first one. Of course that was deliberately added to explain his turn to the dark side. As the Star wars story is all about conflict between good and evil, it has many similarities with classical and modern tragedies.

In general people get angry when they perceive that they are treated badly and that harm is done to them. Marshall B. Rosenberg, PhD in “The Surprising Purpose of Anger” (2005) stresses that the cause of anger is “our evaluation of what has been done…” (p. 5). Rosenberg states that we make judgments of others, which cause our anger and that these judgments are an alienated expression of unmet needs.

So, this means that when we allow ourselves time to analyse our immediate reaction before we express it, we may express ourselves differently and better with a more positive result: We will be heard (as no one can listen to continuous ranting).

The booklet written by Rosenberg is a gold nugget between the masses of stuff written about anger and anger management. I know practicing what is in the book, which really boils down to a few simple steps can help many people.

I am convinced that the many “betrayed” who blog about infidelity would write differently when they work with their anger according to Rosenberg’s guidelines.

The interesting part however, is that, but correct me if I am wrong, many betrayed do not want to let go of their anger yet. Letting go of your anger means to be connected to your needs and when you are connected to your needs you can work on getting these fulfilled. When needs are fulfilled, feelings become positive and maybe many are not ready to become positive…

Anger can become a shield and when anger is expressed, people feel less vulnerable. Being in-tune with your needs, and expressing them leads to feeling positive about the present and the future. It means we are less likely to judge others (negatively) and therefore we are less likely to express anger.

I do think that people who express raw anger in their writings, do not want to remain in that dark place. It is not a happy place. I am sure that those who blame, shame and guilt others in order to punish them, do not feel good about their behavior. It is like being seduced by the dark side but it only brings more darkness and no power.

So, when your partner feels genuinely remorseful and is no longer lying about the past and present and is doing the work (recovery and healing), you can heal with your partner. When your partner is still lying and not doing the work, you can still do the healing, but not as a couple. Although all of this fits into one paragraph, I am talking about years and not weeks….

Look at my previous posts: Re-connecting and Triggers…and slowly but surely…let the judgments (anger) go…



7 thoughts on “POST: 14 ANGER @#$%!

  1. After discovering betrayal, I definitely did not want to let go of my anger for awhile. And to do so prematurely likely would have stunted the eventual growth that occurred. Anger was a shield…from more pain… No way was I going to let my very destroyer in close enough to hurt me again. Truth be told, he had not earned that right in my life. It was, it is, a process, and anger does play a role that is important to healing, in my humble opinion.

    I have come to see that anger is a secondary emotion – and not always because of my perception of events, but because of the event, or action, itself. But I am really hurt, or shocked, or devastated, or lonely, or sad…and anger protects me.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. I agree! The anger provides protection from vulnerability. Being vulnerable means that you can be hurt again.
      It is also true, I think, that by showing you are hurt, shocked, devastated, lonely and sad, you communicate how you feel in a way that is more effective. People close themselves off from someone who is very angry, but they tend to reach out when someone expresses hurt.

      Liked by 2 people

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