Those who have things to hide, use all sorts of ways to keep their “secrets” safe. I am not just talking about affairs. I wonder whether they (the liars) can ever become “clean and sober” as lying becomes a habit and a second nature. It is their first defense, or reaction to anything that they perceive as a potential threat. Some people lie wen there is no “need” for it, they are not even aware of it.
Many are very capable of this skill. I wonder whether they know themselves when they are using any form of deception or whether they are not even aware of it.
Any feedback welcome.
The most ugly ones are often related to hide a dirty relationship. I came across this one. The wife (the betrayed) asked her husband about a certain person she was uncomfortable with and whether this person was going to attend a work meeting out of town. The answer of her husband was the following: “there is no reason for (OW) to be there”. The wife felt comforted as she understood that the OW would not attend the meeting (the betrayed spouse found out later that the OW was there and that she was invited by her husband). Indeed, there was absolutely no reason why the OW would be there other than (in hindsight) the obvious. Can people who use these forms of lies ever become honest…and how do they know they are…and more importantly, how can a betrayed spouse ever know that there is honesty?
There are so many forms of lying, and clear “mindfuckery”. It drives the spouse of a cheater insane. There are lies of omission, giving false impressions, presenting partial information, shifting the blame, denying, stonewalling, fake cooperation, invalidations, attempts (but not really) of cooperation (giving a little), scapegoating, so-called caring behaviours and there might be so many more. All of these (after D-day) are cause of more harm and sabotage of an already very fragile relationship.
Arguable the most harmful is to disclose only some information after a spouse asks about it. Think about it. This will certainly drive a spouse insane. In therapy it is often said that a betrayer has to answer all questions honestly. I feel that a betrayer who truly wants to heal a relationship has to come freely forward with information they feel is important and they know their partner wants to know. When a partner asks questions, please honour this by a full disclosure. Lying by omission is cruel, a waste of time, and leading to more trauma, and eventually the break-up of the relationship.
The lying after…is hurting spouses deeply. It prolongs the experience of the harmful symptoms that occurred when finding out about the affair.