POST 24: FORGIVENESS TOO DIFFICULT?

 

A good friend who went through a nasty phase in her life sent to me the information given to her by her therapist. It was about “forgiveness”. This is a compilation of two articles. One by Dr. Dennis Shun and the other by Bryan Patterson on “Faithworks”.

I will write the essence in a short version and will add between brackets what I think is so hard for people who are reconciling and working hard on their marriage.

  1. By Forgiving We Are Not Doing the Person Who Wronged Us A Favour: The gift of forgiveness is for ourselves, not the person who caused us pain.…I agree with  this and I understand that the betrayed does not want to hold on to the anger as it destroys a person and their relationships (plural). But how come it still feels like a gift to the betrayer? Many might not be ready for that.
  2. By Forgiving We Claim Back Lost Power For Ourselves. We regain the freedom that we handed over to the person who hurt us. Forgiving makes the statement that you are not driven by that person’s power over you and allow that to interfere with your life. My problem with this is that when a couple decides that there is more good than bad in the marriage, the betrayed will be living with “that person”…
  3. By Forgiving We are Not Being Altruistic. This I understand. It means that the betrayed free themselves of the “crippling effects of cynicism and bitterness. It is a choice and it is a decision and it cannot be made lightly. It needs time. Some do it too fast…The first year is defined by all ups and downs…the true insight comes after, unfortunately!
  4. By Forgiving We do Not Mean Forgetting. It means that the sting is gone. I understand this too. One therapist told me that he tells every couple that there will be pain and that no “miracle cure” exists to take away the pain.
  5. Forgiving Does Not Make Us Heroes (Yes, I get that). “making someone crawl”, as one therapist puts it, means to use your power as a betrayed over someone who is already down. This is only true for a person who experiences intense remorse and who does suffer due to what they have done! By taking every opportunity to throw the affair in their face, the betrayed acts as a self-righteous individual, and it does nothing than hurt to both of them.
  6. Forgiveness Frees the Forgiver. It Extracts the Forgiver From Someone Else’s Nightmare [but] It Also Recognises The person We Forgive Is probably Also A Victim Of their Own Wrongdoing The second part resonates with me…I see daily that both spouses suffer when they work on re-connection.
  7. By Forgiving, We Mark the End Of An Era. I understand this too and also that it is a choice.

 

11 thoughts on “POST 24: FORGIVENESS TOO DIFFICULT?

  1. Bullshit. #5? “Making someone crawl?” What if the person refused to even admit they did something that was “so wrong” and blames the betrayed for causing it? Nope…..forgiveness is not in my vocabulary….and never will be when it comes to Loser and that WTC. NEVER.

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    1. There are many things…indeed. I struggle with “forgiveness” due to the wording frequently used…I know I need to read more about it and look at different interpretations…so far, forgiveness to me has some issues…
      Of course it depends on what the wrong doing was, the context of it and by whom it was done. It also depends on intention and impact.
      Thanks for your response.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Many people seem to equate forgiveness with forgetting and/or requirement of reconciliation. I don’t believe either. I see forgiveness as relinquishing our right of retribution, or trying to even the score. Complex, difficult…and often excruciating for the wronged, but it ultimately leads to freedom… Just my thoughts 🙂

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  2. The difficult thing with infidelity and sex addiction is as sorry as the betrayer may be, they just take so long to understand how deep the pain they caused is. Also in their desire to move on from the shame of the affair, they add more frustration, sadness and hurt on a faithful spouse, who is already struggling to forgive so much!

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    1. So true!
      Thanks Kaye.

      At times a betrayer tells their partner that they have said all that there is nothing more….but in most or all cases there is more…To get all that out, means to strip someone naked and make them vulnerable as you take away their protective layer…layer for layer…the layers of “justification” the layers of the subtle meaning given to things to make the lies fit and to keep some of the ego intact.
      For those who reconcile, this might not be needed, it can even be cruel. To others it might mean a necessity to start all over again but this time with a clean slate.
      Take care,
      E

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  3. When you forgive, you’ll free yourselves. You get a fresh strart and you don’t have to be bitter all the time. It’s great and I don’t think it’s too hard! If you want to move on and not to stuck with the same (old) things, you’ll better do that. 🙂

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