Although extradyadic activities include a lot more than sex with a “real” person, such as cybersex, porn, sexting etc, this post focuses on the former.
All involve DECEPTION.
In POST 3, I discussed the four “categories” of marriages (committed relationships) that might be vulnerable. I talked about “marriages going through adjustment” and about “rocky marriages”, “bad marriages” and “the average marriages”. In summary, all marriages are potentially vulnerable. In POST 4, I talked about the cheaters and those they cheat with (the 3rd persons, the OW and the OM). These are those who get into others’ marriage and those who are invited into those marriages by one partner, without consent of the other partner.
Characteristics of those who betray their partner (not all apply to all):
- A pathological need for change, attention, admiration and impulsive and risk seeking behaviour. A need for excitement and wanting to “feel alive” (whatever that means).
- An obsession and compulsion with having confirmed that they are attractive and seen (i.e. wanted and desired).
- Lacking the potential to have emotional and psychological intimate relationships. “Empty” sex takes its place (see POST 11: SCB).
- Boredom with life, routine, work and family and a fixation on sex, simply because it is everywhere and it makes them temporarily feel good. It is on the surface less risky than using cocaine, or alcohol. In reality actually, it is worse…due to the long-term impact.
- A failure to look beyond immediate gratification and therefore seeing the long-term harmful consequences.
- A sense of entitlement due to money and status and a sense of invincibility and the false believe that they get away with it and will never get an STI (immature thinking) or cause a pregnancy.
- Males: high self-esteem, high neuroticism (impulsive tendencies and immediate gratification).
- Females: a perceived lack of marital satisfaction emotional needs are not fulfilled. Passive tendencies.
- A denial of the hurt they do to their partner, family and the person they have sex with as well as their partners and families. Blocking out the thinking…due to egoistic and selfish behaviour (this is more common in males versus married females)
- Justification that it is all right to have sex with a married person because they are not getting any, either due to being single or to having a partner who is not as much into sex as they are (applies to all genders).
- Women pursued by the multiple affair narcissists have the false believe that they are wanted and desirable, attractive and sexy….the truth is…they are forgettable. The guy hardly remembers them as soon as they step into the door of the marital dwelling and take on the role of the husband and father.
- Having the false believe that a (younger) person is really into them….and is giving their waning middle age ego a boost.
- Feeling justified to starting an emotional affair, as their husband/wife is not providing enough emotional attention to them and they may be criticising them for not doing enough around the house. It often results in sex.
FEMALE PREDATORS (aged between 25-40) use blatant sexual language and innuendo. Predators are lazy and highly manipulative. They abuse people’s weakness (for instance a pathological need for attention and admiration). They are liars. They have no regret, shame or guilt feelings. They lack EMPATHY. They feel that the one who “falls into their trap” is stupid to do so, and so they have no sympathy for the impact their harm will do to a couple and their family. They also score high in narcissism, they are delusional about their potential. They pretend to care. They are sociopaths and turn nasty and dangerous when not winning.
MALE PREDATORS (aged 40 +) seek out targets who of course have something to offer, but who also feel emotionally deprived. The male predator is going to fill that void, the needs of the target that the husband did not fulfill. They “understand” their feelings and are gentle and “always available” and they want sex. They also love to have sex with a married woman as they feel they won from the husband: a real ego boost.
All who have been betrayed agree that it is the lying that is most hurtful. All could eventually be forgiven, the lying however affects trust, and to rebuild trust after major betrayal demands a lifetime commitment.