POST 39: HOW TO CLOSE THE DOOR

HOW TO BREAK-UP WITH THE AP, THE CORRECT WAY…..LETTER TO THE AP

  1. I am ending this relationship. It is my decision.
  2. I have been wrong and deeply regret my inappropriate involvement with you.
  3. I feel deeply guilty and remorseful.
  4. The affair was based purely on my self-interest. It had nothing to do with love.
  5. I am deeply sorry for the pain I caused my spouse and my family.
  6. I will disclose, all my spouse wants to know about the affair into as much detail as my spouse wants.
  7. I am writing this with my spouse and we will be working throughout the entire healing of our marriage process.
  8. There will never be ANY contact/communication in any form from you to me and vice versa.

UNFORTUNATELY.…most who had an affair did not confess to their spouse and did not close the door with their spouse. Is it too late when it has not be done?  ANSWER: NO, it is NEVER too late….the only difference is that post facto (long post….) the letter will not be sent to the AP. The letter need to be written if the faithful spouse wants closure and the faithful spouse deserves this. The faithful spouse SHOULD not have to ask for it...the one  who has has had the affair and who is willing to work for the marriage, HAS TO DO THE WORK….Not the faithful spouse as happens so often. The latter results in resentment and anger (another blow for the faithful spouse).

 

TO MY FAITHFUL SPOUSE 

(this letter needs to be written as well. and “no, it is never too late”, but it has to be the initiative of the one who effed-up…..not the faithful spouse!).

  1. I have ended the affair.
  2. I have broken my marriage vows. I did not respect you and I failed to protect you. In fact it was me who placed your health in danger.
  3. I have been wrong and deeply regret what I have done.
  4. I am disgusted by my behavior.
  5. I regret my inappropriate involvement with the AP and I admit that all was inappropriate directly from the start.
  6. I will never again justify my past behavior.
  7. The affair was dirty and humiliating, based on secrecy, deceit and lies.
  8. I feel deeply guilty and remorseful.
  9. The relationship was based purely on my self-interest. It had nothing to do with love.
  10. I am deeply sorry for the pain I caused you and our children.
  11. It will take you years to heal from what I have done, if ever.
  12. It will take our children years to gain respect for me. I hurt them through my actions.
  13. I am a negative role model and failed as a parent in many ways. This is the price I pay. I am not delusional. I have neglected my family for years through my selfish behavior.
  14. I will do everything in my power to make it up to you and our children.
  15. I know that I will never get back the person I married. I will work hard to deserve your trust.
  16. I can only hope that the time will come that my children will gain respect for me. I will work hard on deserving that respect.
  17. I hope you can see in me the person you married.
  18. I will be patient and non-demanding and I will validate your feelings.
  19. You will obtain full knowledge on what I have done and I will not keep anything from you.
  20. I know you need time. I love you and I want you to know that there never was a person I loved more. I am blessed to have known your unconditional love for me.
  21. I will be working throughout the entire healing of our marriage process, no matter how long it will take.
  22. I will take initiative and I will ask what you need from me.
  23. The most important part I will change is to no longer use deception in all its forms and I am committed to become an honest person.
  24. There will never be ANY communication in any form to and from the AP.

10 thoughts on “POST 39: HOW TO CLOSE THE DOOR

  1. Well, this is certainly what should be written. It shows clear concise clarity n thoughts and actions but I doubt that after disclosure there is much chance of that. Sadly. For the betrayed spouse this would be a great benefit but I think the cheater and speaking from my own experience, was not thinking this clearly. It took him a long long time to wade through his bullshit he had in his mind, his justifications, his rationalisations, his defensive attitude and all the crap he had been telling himself for so long.
    Buy, yes, this is the perfect way to close the door.
    Thank you. Xxxx

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Thank you for your reply. You are perfectly right. This would happen in the “ideal” circumstances. It would mean that the cheaters come clear by themselves. It means that they take full responsibility for their actions and stop thinking about themselves and saving their arse, i.e. their ego. They need to think about the pain they caused their families and how to do penance. They need to investigate what the hell they were thinking and they need to make changes. They need to do the work, which means seeking help, reading, talking to trusted friends or whatever….and they cannot hide. Nothing is solved by hiding.

      You are right, in general it does not go like that. It means that there is NO CLOSURE!

      The faithful spouse often does most of the work. That fosters resentment. To send a letter to the AP post-facto…when there is no contact….is discouraged. That is why I wrote the other letter. Unfortunately…..many cheaters take years to come clear and see no reason to spell it out…it is the faithful spouse who needs it.

      In summary….better late than never….but in order to have some sort of closure the cheater needs to take the initiative….just being a “better person”….and continue with life as prior to the affair does not cut it…..

      Thanks a lot for your insightful comment.

      Liked by 2 people

      1. You are so right. One of the big hurdles I had was with husband being a better person. He would often say I am being better and behaving but of course in my mind he was being who he should have been all along and who I thought he was before anyway. It was not enough. He too found this difficult because he was thinking he was doing everything he could possibly do and could not think of what more he could do.
        What seemed to work for us at this stage was for me to just wash my hands of everything and just step away from all the drama. H started the long journey to look into his beliefs and his thinking and his worldview and to slowly dissect it all and change his thinking ( with help) . It feels like the right direction.

        Liked by 2 people

  2. Love this! The bullet points from the cheater to be faithful spouse are exactly what one needs to hear in order to consider starting and reconciling. It’s such. Scary risk to stay with the one who hurts you so deeply, but these words address the truth of the betrayal.

    Liked by 2 people

  3. Thanks LPA,

    Please also see my previous reply to LAA. it is scary….no wonder faithful spouses go back and forward in considering whether they made the right choice…staying or leaving.
    Every trigger, every untruth (no matter how trivial) will set them back to doubting their decision (when they stayed).

    Not much has been written about the phases faithful spouses go through after d-day. The information comes from those who are bloggers. Research is behind. Many therapists got it wrong. No wonder there is utter desperation felt by those who seek help and come to the conclusion that their therapist has no clue.

    Thanks for your input…..

    Liked by 1 person

  4. As a WS, I agree that it is the unfaithful spouse that must do the work. In my case, regret, remorse, shame was immediate….only I had NO CLUE how to communicate that in the RIGHT way to my BH and, as a result, I’ve done additional damage to our marriage. An unremorseful spouse is a dangerous spouse; we broke trust and we must WORK to earn it back. I don’t like being lumped in with the wayward ‘going through the motions’, bc I take my responsibility in healing my relationship very seriously, but it’s a label I accept bc I haven’t yet created a significant enough history of changed behavior to differentiate myself from those that don’t feel as I do. These lists /letters are bang on…there is no room for ego after Dday.

    Liked by 4 people

  5. Elizabeth, thanks for writing this. These are exactly the letters I tried to write. But, it took me many tries. I wish I had read your post four years ago.

    LAA, that sounds familiar. I’m a much better person than I was. But, I’m only the person I should have been all along. TL and I notice this fact often.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Dear MLC,
      Thank you for your reply. I know you are doing the work and you have helped many people by being so open. You and TL are doing great work. Not all people who read and benefit from the postings leave a reply or a “like”, but it gets around.
      Elisabeth

      Liked by 1 person

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