POST 43: LYING AFTER AN AFFAIR

“A half truth is a whole lie” (Yiddish Proverb).

“A lie which is a half truth is ever the blackest of lies” (Alfred Lord Tennyson) both quotes from truthdeceptioncoverups.info).

One of the most painful experiences apart from finding out that your partner had an affair (or was involved in any other extra-marital activity covered by the verb “cheating”) is the long-term continuous lying that happens after d-day.

As many of the faithful spouses have found out, there are important differences in the process toward uncovering the ins-and outs of the affair and the extent of the affair(s) (the length and frequency).

Not less important is whether the cheater came clean by themselves, or whether they were confronted by their spouse or caught by others, who notified the faithful spouse.

As you can read in my post 40 on “How to Close the Door” and its comments by my readers, many cheaters do not follow the instructions that can be easily found on the Internet. It can take years for them to come clear about the dirt and filth. This finding although not surprising, considering we are discussing extra-marital activities, which per definition involves deception,  stands in stark contrast with the suggestions provided on any website or article on “healing after an affair”, which makes you wonder who the cheater thinks needs to heal….certainly not them!

We all know the reasons why cheaters keep on lying and the most important one is..

being a coward as the liar is manipulating others to turn the impression of those who are deceived into the liars’ favour and this is first and foremost a selfish act no different from the behavior the liar has so-called stopped: the extramarital activity. 

The reasons of lying after an affair often mentioned in articles are embarrassment, guilt, shame and fear for the reaction of the faithful spouse. What these reasons have in common however, are that the cheaters in the first place are thinking about themselves…that they keep on protecting themselves and their oh-so valuable ego….this is the opposite from being truly remorseful and wanting to go through “penance” which is uncomfortable but necessary to demonstrate that they are genuinely wanting to repair the marriage.

Building trust as we know is a lengthy process that can only occur after a cheater stops lying: Lies of commission, lies of omission; “the cruelest of lies are often told in silence” (Adlai Stevenson), white lies (yes these too), grey lies and definitely black lies. These categories and types include holding back information, manipulation of feelings, keeping things secret, twisting the truth, justifying (the lie they tell themselves and others), rationalisations to make a better impression, while the liar knows the full truth and of course, half truths. All these are examples of deliberate and calculated actions (see article on lying: truthliesdeceptioncoverups.info).

A half-truth for instance is picking parts of the story in order to mislead, is only one part or one side of the story and/or contains “weasel” words to manipulate the overall impression (see aforementioned source for more information).

“The intent to deceive is fundamental to lying….” (truthliesdeceptioncoverus.info).

How can a faithful spouse ever trust again after the amount of lies that were part of the affair and the continuous lying often for years after the affair?

The answer is…..the faithful spouse cannot trust until:

1. All lying has stopped.

2. The liar has come clean about all the lies that has followed the day they were confronted with the affair.

3. The liar openly and honestly comes clean about all their lying (also not affair related) and will not back-peddle, which is probably the cruelest of actions…as they make a spouse insane by playing mind games.

Affairs are ultra selfish behaviours that only benefit the cheater and which left no room whatsoever for the faithful spouse and children….continuous lying….is the end of a marriage….

 

 

 

 

10 thoughts on “POST 43: LYING AFTER AN AFFAIR

  1. This is exactly how I feel! It isn’t the actual affair that haunts me. It is the manipulation and deception that still plays tricks on me. Even though, I’m in a new marriage with someone I trust completely. It’s hard to bounce back from.

    Liked by 2 people

  2. This is why I feel we are really only 8 months into true recovery. That was the last lie told to me (I think). But who ever really knows when the lies end? A lifetime of hiding yourself cannot be undone overnight. I still feel that he does not share everything. Yet that is what I require of him. Will there ever be a compromise?

    Liked by 4 people

    1. Falling Ash,
      This is indeed the crucial issue: In order for us wives to give our husband another chance, they have to come clean. That means no more lying and no more hiding, no secrets (period). Only then…can there be made a start on healing.
      The problem is that those who have been unfaithful used all sorts of lies. As an honest person cannot become a great liar just like that, it means they had some practice before. For a liar to learn to be honest in every sense, they have to put effort into it and it means that they really truly want to safe the marriage and become a better person in general. They have to question themselves….their intention and motivation to disclose and how or to chose to leave things unsaid and why, every single day. This is one component of “doing the work”. There cannot be a compromise….certain old stuff no longer painful or of interest to you, you can leave untouched. Focus on what is painful and that is the cheating and all that goes with it.
      Recovery starts indeed when a couple can start with a clean slate and both want to use that as their starting point. For liars it is very hard to become trustworthy….and that means it needs time…It is up to you and me and all the others how much time we give them.
      Hugs,
      E.

      Liked by 3 people

  3. Yes, TL suffers from PTSD-type symptoms due to my betrayal.

    And, yes, after decades of lying, it took me considerable effort to turn the habit of deceiving into a habit of honesty, transparency, and accountability. On D-day, I began working on transparency and accountability. But, cowardice led me to continue covering up all my adultery and betrayal that TL had not yet discovered. A few months later, on what we call final D-day, I began actively and sincerely revealing everything I had ever hidden from TL. But, even then, two years later I found myself succumbing to cowardice, this time hiding from TL that I had been covertly smoking.

    I’m finally succeeding at being courageous and honest. But, I remain ashamed of how long it took me to reach this point. And, I remain grateful that TL did not give up on us long ago.

    Liked by 1 person

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