Frank Pittman: Beyond Betrayal. Life after Infidelity (Private Lies, 1989), writes about his experiences quite candidly. He is a therapist with 30+ years of experience and obviously has seen it all. He writes about many types of infidelity (read adultery) and unfortunately many who will read this have experienced more than one type on his listing. I quote only one as it is the one most misunderstood and the one that describes what my husband falsely believed he was experiencing.

“Surely the craziest and most destructive form of infidelity is the temporary insanity of falling in love. You do this, not when you meet somebody wonderful (wonderful people don’t screw around with married people) but when you are going through a crisis in your own life, can’t continuing living your life, and aren’t quite ready for suicide yet. An affair with someone grossly inappropriate– someone decades younger or older, someone dependent or dominating, someone with problems even bigger than your own–is so crazily stimulating that it’s like a drug that can lift you out of your depression and enable you to feel things again. Of course, between moments of ecstasy, you are more depressed, increasingly alone and alienated in your life, and increasingly hooked on the affair partner. Ideal romance partners are damsels or “dumsels” in distress, people without a life but with a lot of problems, people with bad reality testing and little concern with understanding reality better.

[a crisis is not always needed, some are not in crisis just stupid [the dumsel can also be a predator].

Romantic affairs lead to a great many divorces, suicides, homicides, heart attacks, and strokes, but not to very many successful remarriages. No matter how many sacrifices you make to keep the love alive, no matter how many sacrifices your family and children make for this crazy relationship, it will gradually burn itself out when there is nothing more to sacrifice to it. Then you must face not only the wreckage of several lives, but the original depression from which the affair was an insane flight into escape…. Romantic affairs happen in good marriages even more often than in bad ones.

Despite all the Ester Perels’ in the world, infidelity causes deep trauma. The reason I experience it as trauma, as everyone else pointed out in a recent post by another blogger, is not just the shock that a partner can actually do it, but the lying, the deception and the mind games. Many betrayers lie for a very long time after D-day. I know why. They are protecting himself. By having some rationalisations and justifications ready, they do not have to face what this was. By keeping on lying they avoid to have to tell their spouse and to see the consequences. Most however, know, or expect that their partner is still keeping things from them.


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